lexi (nothing2hide) wrote,

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Random does it...

(If you don’t have a substantial amount of time, definitely don’t read this. It was over a page in Microsoft Word, single spaced.)

Secrets. A friend of mine recently shared one of her “secrets” with me. I guess it wasn’t so much of a secret since it is something about herself that she has absolutely no control over that affects every day of her life. It is so humbling to have an experience like that. To know someone, to see them everyday, and to realize that we each have the capacity to withhold vital information that defines who we are but that we simply choose to let it be.

I realize I have many secrets about my life that a few others know, but that I have not had the courage to share with the people I have recently been getting to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this you probably know one of the secrets I’m talking about. And that is my decision to not drink. I would imagine the people around me have figured it out, based on the situations I’m continually in and my rejection (I can’t find the word I’m looking for right now) of alcoholic beverages. I think part of the reason I don’t divulge this information is because 1) I will inevitably be asked why? The reasons are simple and yet somehow it’s hard for anyone to truly grasp. 2) Once anyone finds out they immediately assume that because I don’t drink I can’t handle being around situations involving said substances and thus I am no longer included. The rejection and alienation that results is all together too much for me to handle sometimes. It gets frustrating being the only person here who doesn’t drink, the only one I know of rather. I want to go out and do things, yet at the same time I want to avoid these situations knowing that I’m not really apart of what is happening around me and people have a way of making sure you know it.

If I could make a map of my life, not the places I’ve been but the things I’ve experienced. The routes from this point would be wandering further away from the normal path. It is exciting, experiencing new things and new people. I’ve been put in a situation that just weeks ago, I couldn’t even hardly grasp. I was completely lost. Needless to say, I still am because I have no idea where my life is headed right now. I can say that I’m very excited about it though. I’ve been putting myself out there a lot lately and making connections with all sorts of new people (well, engineers mostly, but we aren’t all the same :P).

Insert (so maybe skip and come back while reading, or take a mental note of where the last train of thought eneded):
I keep getting harassed by my friends because I am the social one. I’ve been introducing myself to tons of people in my classes. It is exciting to be able to walk through the engineering building, no matter what time of day, even at 11 p.m. on a Saturday night and run into someone you know and can talk to. By the way, study groups rock! It’s a great way to combine socializing with productivity (the latter usually being the lesser of the two in this equation). ← note: engineering lameness: socializing < productivity… I can’t escape it, I’m such a nerd.

All I can say is that I’m glad I’ve taken this experience and used it as an opportunity. That’s what it is after all, a chance to do the things I want to do and to not let anyone else tell me otherwise. Every time it seems that life, or God, or whatever you believe in, is punishing you, it truly is a blessing. The trick is that you have to make it such. We can sit around a mope about all the horrible things that are happening and feel down about it, or you pick yourself up after you’ve completely let yourself fall apart and do something about the situation. I’m not really sure how I recovered so quickly, not to say there aren’t days when we all slip and fall (me literally on the ice a few days ago just to share the literal side of that statement) but for the most part I feel freed from the situation. I was given the chance to start over again, and was able to do so with newly acquired knowledge of myself and the world around me. It’s just to bad that this isn’t the way it works for everyone. As I’ve seen, not everyone is able to improve themselves, but for those of us who can I thank the Lord for that because that’s what growing up is all about. Being put into situations you have no control over and seeing how you come out of it, and who you are in the end. : Things happen to us, but its our reactions that matter : I’ll admit, at first I was not so great with the reacting part, but I’m glad to say that things have greatly improved in that area. I like this person I am struggling to become.

And a song to end it, thanks to Nicholas,
: I hope that you'll forgive me for being so severe. Your proximity was clouding my account of what was real here... and I wish that you would ask me how I'm feeling there's so much I want to tell you about the way I'm disappearing :

go to myspace and listen to it if you get a chance, you'll be thanking Nick too, http://www.myspace.com/prayersandtears
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