lexi (nothing2hide) wrote,
lexi
nothing2hide

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Leaving...

Somehow I have been here for 2 weeks. Where is here you ask? Well the place that has been an ever present goal in my life that seemed untouchable and somehow now feels like a vacation from real life. I have become completely disconnected from the world I suppose. This place is a dream that is just waiting to be interrupted by conciousness. I have yet to fully realize what was left behind. My family, my dad and brother, whom I became incredibly close with in the last year. I really hope life is better for them this year too. I wish I could be there for everything that's going on in Austin's life because it's that critical point... junior high. I must now just hope that I did the absolute best I could in the time we were living in the same house because conversation is hard over the phone. We just aren't big talkers so the phone is not the best thing for us to stay connected. Plus there is nothing like seeing your little brother off to things like junior high dances and giving him an incredibly hard time when he comes back afterwards or forcing his friends to listen to the music you like when you give them a ride and having him defend it for your sake. My grandma is now alone for the first time in 60 years. The thought of that is worst of all. Visiting her every day for the entire summer and staying usually around 3-4 hours is a hard thing to be okay with not doing anymore. We get to write letters to each other, but I miss seeing her and in the last few hang outs I really just was myself and she liked it that I was sooo talkative, even though she gave me a hard time for it. And of course, Nick Arrojo. I miss our weekly fun and talking to him everyday about our lives, but now mine is so drastically different that it's not quite the same. I always felt the 20 minute drive to Minden was too much to come visit me, but now its a 3 hour drive... I couldn't possibly request such a thing of someone. My city kid, oh how i miss him. Home definitely had some great memories, but then again my actual home has some pretty horrible ones that I had no problems leaving behind. It's the people not the place I suppose.

I wish I could explain the feelings I have towards the place I come from. Being there is a curse and a blessing all at once. Growing up in a small town made me a much more creative person than a city ever could have allowed me to be. I am enternally greatful for that. I love the physical location of our house. Its close enough we can walk anywhere easily, but our enormous yard allows it to feel more like its own little world out in the country. A place to look at the stars without the distractions of city lights. I came to fully embrace and love the place I've come from, as one must do because it's definitely a part of who I am. Small towns are a curse in the sense that it makes you feel as if you will never escape it. The small town mindset and the hell of that existance.

Music made me very sentimental about this subject. I'm glad that music is always there to remind me of the things that need to not be forgotten. Just know that everything is going well and I will write about being here someday. So much having been experienced and so much more to learn.

"Can we stay the same if I move half the world away? We'll float off through the night and hope to meet somewhere in between. And the sunshine will give every story a bright side. Another happy ending on the west coast. You'll never need a raincoat. Dreaming's what we're doing out here. Will the stars shine the same on your side half a world away?.... Every story has an end, but I prefer to begin again. Just like a book I've never read. I prefer to begin again."

And the song that embodies everything I feel about a small town and living there..... (the rocket summer- brat pack)
"For about four years I've hated this town so much I just wanna get out. Since graduation was long ago, please somebody get me out of this hole. Cause I don't want to get stuck in here when I am 34 just talking about high school years. No I don't wanna be there. and I feel so stuck right here... Cause this ain't where it's at and my friend will second that."
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