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lexi

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[06 Aug 2009|09:29am]
Brad-

I was in the process of sending you a text message when I realized the complete absurdity of saying everything I want to with only the allotted 160 characters. Add to it, the electronic detachment. I imagine you are the regular mail checker these days (hopefully still an avid recycler) what better surprise than an unexpected letter. I finished this book and it made me desperate to hold onto our friendship- forever! Thinking back and to this day I still hear continually what a mistake I made by not living in the dorms. This being due to the fact that it kept me from meeting a number of people that would ultimately be convenience friends- the friends you have due to circumstance but once separate will never keep in touch with. By some stroke of luck and circumstance we ended up together in that apartment full of randomness (that including the décor). For a time, I was rarely present, but after the breakup- when it was just the two of us there- our collective loneliness forged a friendship/companionship that is comparable to none other. Those nights of Scrubs at 11 PM, or playing in the rain, or best of all making up songs about a truck in the parking lot. (we could have been one-hit wonders, it was a mistake not to record it immediately). These things uncomprehendable(sp) to anyone who wasn’t there. At the time these little moments, just the passing of days and time, but in hindsight those being the greatest moments and some of my absolute favorite of my undergraduate years. (Random memory: Brandon coming to our door to tell me he loved me.) Maybe as I’ve heard quoted- in looking back we romanticize our experiences/memories. The bad long forgotten and the good remembered in a brighter light.

You are going to do GREAT things I know it with 110% certainty. But, knowing this means knowing and accepting the unlikelihood of our separate paths crossing for any considerable amount of time again. One of life’s cruelest jokes: to bring you out of loneliness with friendship only to be left lonelier and with the knowledge of its greatness once it is taken away.

There will always be a void hat cannot be filled. You are one of a kind- one of my kind I guess you could say. The odds have been against me ever since. I have yet to have a better roommate and more importantly a better friend.

All I really need to say, as always, I LOVE you! Thank you so much for the memories and the time we’ve spent together. I hope there are MANY more to come.

<3 Lexi
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[06 Aug 2009|09:28am]
Re-reading past entries makes it so I have to write this. It needs to be documented before it is long forgotten and a memory in the past. Having been away from it for two weeks now the memories are already fading into shadows.

This summer, for possibly the very first time in my entire life I was the happiest I have ever been. I used my pessimistic optimism to set my expectations low. I moved to Kansas City with the attitude that I was going to have a terrible time and that I was going to be missing out entirely on all the things that were happening in Iowa City.
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[20 Aug 2008|12:01pm]
Re-reading past entries makes it so I have to write this. It needs to be documented before it is long forgotten and a memory in the past. Having been away from it for two weeks now the memories are already fading into shadows.

This summer, for possibly the very first time in my entire life I was the happiest I have ever been. I used my pessimistic optimism to set my expectations low. I moved to Kansas City with the attitude that I was going to have a terrible time and that I was going to be missing out entirely on all the things that were happening in Iowa City.
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[28 Jan 2008|12:47am]
I spent the majority of my time during high school thinking about leaving Minden. I had these ideas that the world outside our small town was going to be a better place. I used to escape to Iowa City to visit Alyssa to get away from everything. Now, Minden the place I ran from, is where I run to. Growing up in a small town you have this delusion that you will go somewhere else where there will be all sorts of new and amazing people that you connect with and that sitting alone every weekend was just a high school phase. A phase that was thought to be only due to a lack of similar interests to connect with peers.

I've come to realize that no matter where you go, people are the same. Humans are, for the most part, selfish. Plain and simple. This characteristic hinders any relationship. When one party is completely selfish and the other willing to give completely of their self, conflict is bound to arise.


My sophomore year in high school, as well as college, turned out to be the most challenging times I have experienced. After these all time lows, I have a hard time being content with where I'm at (in terms of location and in life). It is really too bad that as things are happening no one tells you to stop and really take in the experience and appreciate it. One day its gone. You wake up a twenty year old wishing you could go back to the days when you lived under your parents roof, which includes their rules along with their assistance in handling problems that arise.

I'm tired. Enough.
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Gender Bender [29 Jun 2007|12:51am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

Lately I've been considering the idea of gender. On a daily basis, I encounter the consequences of being a female in a male dominated field. It's interesting being a minority. It wasn’t until recently I realized that the males around me treat me as if I have something to prove to them. Being one of three girls in a class of thirty doesn’t bother me. It is the fact that some of the guys are condescending assholes (I didn’t want to say it but I had to). Everything has to come down to a competition between the sexes. I guess the real problem is that somehow they make me feel lesser and thus I always feel inadequate in comparison. With statistics like this I guess it is no wonder why…

At the University of Iowa, there is a 1:6 female to male ratio in the College of Engineering.

Only 8.5 percent of employed engineers and 16.4 percent of working scientists in the U.S. are women.

The fact of the matter is that it isn’t just the males that are judging you and your abilities. Other females are even worse. I myself will look at certain girls that are wandering around the building and think that there is no way she is an engineering student. My two friends (girls) and I were told that there were other girls saying there was no way we were going to make it as engineers because we are friends with all the guys and aren’t smart enough or something.

Not only do we have something to prove, but also awkward classroom situations to contend with. I could handle my male peers looking down on me. But, matters worsen when you become the lone female in the class and are forced to listen to sexist jokes and try to resist the urge to get upset about it and instead try to laugh it off even though it is completely uncalled for.




: She used to tie her hair up in ribbons and bows
Sign her letters with X's and O's
Got a picture of her mama in heels and pearls
Shes gonna make it in her daddy's world
Shes an American girl:

By the way, this could be better... I just got tired

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Friendship. And what it's meant to be. [15 Jun 2007|10:29pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

How many wonderful people will we meet in our lifetime? And by wonderful people, I mean the ones who would do anything for you no matter what they had to sacrifice in order to help you out. The people who you can relate to on a range of subjects from the small matters such as musical preference (maybe that should be considered a BIG one, music tells a lot about a person... maybe a good idea for another entry) to bigger matters such as lifestyle choices. I am glad they are few and far between, in the sense that if there were a lot of people we could relate to in this way, they certainly would not mean as much. I just feel that friendship is taken for granted and it should definitely not be.

Maybe the fact that a lot of these people I'm friends with have too many varying interests and that is why we can't seem to form that unwaivering bond. I guess its a matter of popularity, knowing a lot of people and being pushed aside because I will let myself be that person and because they take me for granted because they don't have to cherish it since there is someone else to fill the void. I don't like this idea. The disposable friend.

Insert analogy here:
The disposable camera... a great invention at the time, but now ultimately phased out by the digital camera. The disposable camera served its purpose, to preserve moments in time, but the digital camera can be used to document everything and it saves time and money in the long run. Though they are essentially used for the same purpose, one is prefered over the other due to its many advantages. The problem is, technology is not always dependable, sometimes it leaves us frustrated or without it completely. At the point in time when the card is full or the $300 investment has been destroyed after dropping it on the ground or losing it, this is when the disposable camera is suddenly useful again. The time spent together will be short, but it will make due until something better comes along. Then it will be back to high-tech, expensive gadget that will do the many wonderous things that we come to expect from it.

The disposable friend. The one you use when you need them, but will forget about for days, weeks, months at at time because there is someone else you can spend time with and get more out of. That is what I am. Sadly, I have no other choice but to be that person for others that i tend to call "friends." I guess I let myself believe that I was more than that to my friends, but it was only a false illusion I let myself believe in order to feel better about how it really is.

The thought of my Grandpa's friend Bob just came to mind. Bob came to see Grandpa at least once every week while he was in the nursing home. Talk about true friends, and my grandpa was 88 and neither of them were in the best of health conditions, but at least once every week. I find that to be amazing and what friendship is supposed to be all about. I just think friendship should be treasured. Maybe by the time I'm that old someone will realize what I mean(t) to them. I sure hope so because I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I have gotten a lot better at being alone. For example, right now, I'm a college student sitting at home on a Friday night and I couldn't be happier about it.

:When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone:
Tennessee Williams
(selfishness, another topic for another time, but fitting for a lot of the world today it can seem)

I have been unable to maintain my friendship with a girl I knew before the age of one. I think the loss of that friendship has set me up for a pessimist outlook on friendships, as I'm sure is understandable. I thought friendship was able to overcome the ups and downs, the time and distance, and all the obstacles that life throws in along the way.

I have my dilusions. I think its because I grew up in a small town, and not having a lot of options when it came to the friend department. Television shows seemed to be an outlet to see what the world was really like. I now realize that those Dawson and Joey, Felicity and Noel, Lorelai and Rory, J.D. and Turk relationships do not exist in this world. From what I've experienced, there isn't that one person that you have that is a constant in your life. Someone that is there during the worst of times and is there to pick you up when you've completely fallen apart, or that person who is in your life on a daily basis just to enjoy life and make jokes with and laugh until you cry. The friend that knows you inside and out, and understands without you even having to say a word. I think I'm going to keep my dilusions, I kind of like them.

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Human Nature [11 Jun 2007|11:16pm]
People are interesting creatures.

Lately it seems that there has been one conversation after another about how people suck to put it simply. It has been so long since I have had a real conversation. Is it me or the people I surround myself with? Who is to blame for the lack of substance in our relationships? I love the people in my life, but I guess I've always wanted more than just surficial friendships. You know, the kind that involves the "this is what is going on in my life" and such, but never really gets to the heart of the matter. The type of people who challenge you and make you think about things and have thoughts you've never had before. I feel like my growth as a person has somewhat been stunted by the fact that I'm the only one challenging myself in thought. You can only bring to light so many different perspectives within the space of your own mind. Thus, the reason for my lack of having any worthwhile thoughts to write down. Hopefully that can change.

Growth. Hopefully more than just your toenails are doing some growing. I guess we are constantly evolving whether we choose to or not. Our lack of change somehow changes us. We can resist it all we like but eventually something outside of our control comes and alters everything.

What am I complaining about not having anyone challenging me? I think this is the first time in the past year or so that I am who I am and I'm happy with it. And life is taking it easy on me, giving me a break from all the big problems it likes to throw my way and I sit here and say I need to be challenged some more? I don't know what to do without the hurt and pain and struggle in my life. I may just have to start living, instead of merely surviving. I feel like I have been doing some good living, taking up opportunites whenever they come my way. This is good. It also reminds me of this...

: Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing :


: So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself. It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope. That is why I'm singing... :
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[23 Apr 2007|12:08am]
I need to document this feeling before it passes and I forget that it happened. The feeling of being fully alive and taking risks and experiencing new things and not letting opportunities pass me by. There have been a lot of times where my shyness, anti-social tendencies, or fear have ultimately resulted in wasted opportunities.

As a result of all this living, I have been lucky enough to meet these amazing people who I'm in complete awe of because of the things they've seen and experienced. My life seems so much lesser in comparison, which gives me the inspiration/motivation to see and do as many things as possible where I currently am and to try to get out and do more in the future.
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Random does it... [02 Mar 2007|05:54pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

(If you don’t have a substantial amount of time, definitely don’t read this. It was over a page in Microsoft Word, single spaced.)

Secrets. A friend of mine recently shared one of her “secrets” with me. I guess it wasn’t so much of a secret since it is something about herself that she has absolutely no control over that affects every day of her life. It is so humbling to have an experience like that. To know someone, to see them everyday, and to realize that we each have the capacity to withhold vital information that defines who we are but that we simply choose to let it be.

I realize I have many secrets about my life that a few others know, but that I have not had the courage to share with the people I have recently been getting to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this you probably know one of the secrets I’m talking about. And that is my decision to not drink. I would imagine the people around me have figured it out, based on the situations I’m continually in and my rejection (I can’t find the word I’m looking for right now) of alcoholic beverages. I think part of the reason I don’t divulge this information is because 1) I will inevitably be asked why? The reasons are simple and yet somehow it’s hard for anyone to truly grasp. 2) Once anyone finds out they immediately assume that because I don’t drink I can’t handle being around situations involving said substances and thus I am no longer included. The rejection and alienation that results is all together too much for me to handle sometimes. It gets frustrating being the only person here who doesn’t drink, the only one I know of rather. I want to go out and do things, yet at the same time I want to avoid these situations knowing that I’m not really apart of what is happening around me and people have a way of making sure you know it.

If I could make a map of my life, not the places I’ve been but the things I’ve experienced. The routes from this point would be wandering further away from the normal path. It is exciting, experiencing new things and new people. I’ve been put in a situation that just weeks ago, I couldn’t even hardly grasp. I was completely lost. Needless to say, I still am because I have no idea where my life is headed right now. I can say that I’m very excited about it though. I’ve been putting myself out there a lot lately and making connections with all sorts of new people (well, engineers mostly, but we aren’t all the same :P).

Insert (so maybe skip and come back while reading, or take a mental note of where the last train of thought eneded):
I keep getting harassed by my friends because I am the social one. I’ve been introducing myself to tons of people in my classes. It is exciting to be able to walk through the engineering building, no matter what time of day, even at 11 p.m. on a Saturday night and run into someone you know and can talk to. By the way, study groups rock! It’s a great way to combine socializing with productivity (the latter usually being the lesser of the two in this equation). ← note: engineering lameness: socializing < productivity… I can’t escape it, I’m such a nerd.

All I can say is that I’m glad I’ve taken this experience and used it as an opportunity. That’s what it is after all, a chance to do the things I want to do and to not let anyone else tell me otherwise. Every time it seems that life, or God, or whatever you believe in, is punishing you, it truly is a blessing. The trick is that you have to make it such. We can sit around a mope about all the horrible things that are happening and feel down about it, or you pick yourself up after you’ve completely let yourself fall apart and do something about the situation. I’m not really sure how I recovered so quickly, not to say there aren’t days when we all slip and fall (me literally on the ice a few days ago just to share the literal side of that statement) but for the most part I feel freed from the situation. I was given the chance to start over again, and was able to do so with newly acquired knowledge of myself and the world around me. It’s just to bad that this isn’t the way it works for everyone. As I’ve seen, not everyone is able to improve themselves, but for those of us who can I thank the Lord for that because that’s what growing up is all about. Being put into situations you have no control over and seeing how you come out of it, and who you are in the end. : Things happen to us, but its our reactions that matter : I’ll admit, at first I was not so great with the reacting part, but I’m glad to say that things have greatly improved in that area. I like this person I am struggling to become.

And a song to end it, thanks to Nicholas,
: I hope that you'll forgive me for being so severe. Your proximity was clouding my account of what was real here... and I wish that you would ask me how I'm feeling there's so much I want to tell you about the way I'm disappearing :

go to myspace and listen to it if you get a chance, you'll be thanking Nick too, http://www.myspace.com/prayersandtears

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[28 Feb 2007|03:47pm]
This was the re-do of the one I thought I had lost.


It is interesting how one day you can look at a person and know almost everything there is to know about them and then one day you wake up and realize you don’t know them at all anymore. And maybe its not that you don’t know them anymore, but that you never really knew them in the first place. People come into and out of our lives so quickly. How many failed relationships (friends, family, and otherwise) does it take before we really figure it out? That is assuming we ever will figure it out, and that is pretty uncertain. It seems like after losing contact with friend upon friend, eventually you could come to realize what it takes to make it last. The upside is that sometimes you lose contact and drift apart, but eventually are able to get back what you once lost.

: For all of this, I’m better off without you. Do you regret all your loneliness? :
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[28 Feb 2007|03:45pm]
Who knew that livejournal could recover old drafts that you accidentally clicked out of? That is a great new feature I was unaware of. I will post this because of the documentation of progress...


Life is interesting. And challenging. And right now all together frustrating. Life goes in cycles. Or at least when I look at my own. That is why I have to write things down. To document things that are happening so that I can look back and see the patterns that keep repeating themselves. I have a six month pattern that involves losing someone I care about. The last two times haven't been the permanent loses like before, but equally as devastating. The loss of the living is even more tricky to deal with than the loss of the dead. They are there to continually find a way to hurt you. People are creatures of habit. We can try to change, but in many cases ultimately fail at it. It is much easier to fall into the same patterns we always do.

It seems that pure joy can only last for so long.




And I'll ask "What could you be doing that is so much fun?
without me by your side, without me by your side?"
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Goodbye yet again [16 Jan 2006|11:31pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

There are people that we meet that ultimately change our life in a substantial way. Another of these important people in my life has passed away. Being away in this seperate world, this disconnected way of life, the effects of this are obviously quite different and yet to be fully realized. To realize the huge impact a person has had on your life and to not be able to communicate that to them in any meaningful way is now something I guess I have to live with. The worst part is having realized this quite some time ago and not having the words or guts to say it. So this is how I try to make due. The news came as a shock, as it has been known to happen before, but cancer was the killer this time around. It is one of those situations where you wish with all your heart that you would have said all the things you needed to before it was too late. Denny ultimately changed my life. Alyssa put it best by saying "He basically ruined church for us." This statement is a huge compliment to him. Sometime 4-5 years ago, Alyssa and I decided we wanted to start going to church. This decision was influenced by another person, but was completely of our own free will (which happens to be one of the topics he extensively discussed). Little did we know that one decision would ultimately change our lives. Previously church was never something we were forced into attending on a weekly basis, but in no time it was something that had become a cannot miss event. It was something to get up in the morning and be excited about each week, never knowing what to expect, but that you come out of it every week with an amazing feeling. He was a smart man, who enjoyed reading especially about the Native Americans. One could expect to hear at least a little Native American wisdom before each sermon. There were some very unforgettable sermons, my favorite being the one that angered a large number of the elderly crowd when he dressed up with a towel on his head and carried a flashlight down the aisle claiming he was a shepard following the Star of Bethlehem. Another of my favorite things he did were the New Years Eve services, which were definitely not a conventional way to spend such an evening and for that reason made it all the more amazing. This New Year's felt a bit empty without it.

When Denny's cancer forced him to retire I selfishly thought of how it would affect me, but soon realized his health obviously was more important than his obligation to our church he so expertly brought together (I can say that I feel apart of a church family when I am there and he is definitely to thank for that). I remember clearly the dinner held in honor of him and the wonderful things he had done for our church. I can also remember holding back tears that night when people were sharing stories of the things he had done for them personally. He changed many lives. Now all I can ever do is compare these other pastors to him, and none can even come close. They are not bad, he was just great at what he did. His age gave him the wisdom and experience that the younger pastors could never compare to. His teachings, in my opinion, focused more on just embracing others and being a compassionate person rather than focusing on God and what religion is supposed to be. He always loved to say "take the negativity and throw it out the window". Our church learned how to welcome outsiders, which was no small feat when considering how stuck in their ways these people who had been going there for decades had become. When the church was lacking a crowd, he made everyone get up and move to the same side and to the front, though not all were willing to follow. He always made sure that the service lasted exactly an hour, and if it was getting close to time he would cut a song short and this and that just to get done so that everyone could get back in time for the pot roast to be cooked. His sermons were usually a string of tangents that somehow came together and made perfect sense. He always called himself crazy and such because of his ADD, but that just made him all the more interesting.

Denny was there for me in some of the most horrible of times. The day after Elyse died he was there, for my grandma's visitation he was there, for my grandpa's funeral he was not physically there but his words made his presence known. During substantial moments in my life, he made an impact. I wish in his time of struggle I could have in some way at least let him know his importance. He had confidence that he would defeat cancer again and was sure it was a blessing that was just reminding him to slow down a bit. I think this happening is a reminder for me to just slow down and enjoy life and appreciate the people in it and to not forget to tell them what they mean to me (or at least attempt to do things to show them how much I really do care about them). Alyssa and I had just been talking about all of these sorts of things just a few days ago and questioning things like the purpose of life and why people don't seem to care anymore and reminiscing about all the people we have lost in a seemingly short period of time. Death has become an occurance that seems to continue to arise and make its presence known. I've become familiar with it and I'm not sure that is anything I would have ever hoped to say at the age of 18.

: A phone call I'd rather not receive... Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, so I sat alone and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I'm not writing my goodbyes. I submit no excuse. If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake. If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind :

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Months of Fun [07 Nov 2005|10:21pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

It has been way too long since I've done this. Writing is often one of the things I neglect when life is going well so I guess its a good thing it has been overlooked, but sad because there is no real documentation of the wonderful times that have ensued during the past 2 months. A boy I know once told me this about his college experience: my best day (back at home) could not compare to my worst day here. I would have to say that I could not put it better myself. While at church the other day that thought crossed my mind and the thought that eventually it inevitably will all come crashing down (negativity... oh how it haunts me, but in this case I think its truth as opposed to negativity). There is some sort of good/bad cycle. You can only endure the bad for so long before things get better and you can either fully appreciate the good or take it for granted having learned nothing from the hard times.

Monday Night Dates. Alyssa and I decided we would go on weekly dates to experience the many different food options Iowa City has to offer. Thai Foods, Oasis Falafels, Zmariks (the noodle place), and Bruggers Bagels are the places we have tried. I'd say all of them were fantastic except the Thai Foods, we tried something with Tofu and it tasted like a dirty sponge, but that was probably the only reason I didn't enjoy that so much. It has been just a great way to sit down and talk about life and have a good time trying new things.

Town-gown social. Alyssa and I attended this event due to the fact that there were going to be free brownies. Little did we know this would be one of the greatest events we would encounter. The point of this event was to get the community and the students to interact and meet each other. We met a nice old couple that had lots to talk about, and were very nice. Later on, we saw the two of them dancing to the band that was playing (probably in no way resembling a dancing type music, but it was such a wonderful thing to see). The president of student government talked to us quite a few times, and is definitely a nice guy. We went around to all the booths that were set up and talked to those people (very social event for us, surprisingly enough). I believe the guy/band that peformed was Dave Zollo. Amazing, piano-based music and a very emotionally driven singer. And oh yes, the free brownies and cookies = pure amazingness. I was definitely on a sugar-overload that evening. I went and rode the bus with Brian afterwards. Did some knitting and was told I was probably the weirdest person this one kid had ever seen due to that fact, while others questioned who I was making it for (that being my grandma) and told me oh that is so cute. An older couple and their daughter got on and were talking with me about my knitting and why I was on the bus, etc. As they were getting off, the lady realized that we were the kids that she had joined in playing the alphabet game with. You see, this had been weeks maybe even a month before. We felt quite special to be remembered.

The Famed, Big City Rock, Gratitude. Of course we had to go see The Famed. We enjoyed them as we always do, but we were late due to the fact that I had to go to the ATM and get some money to get into the show. Big City Rock, let's just say they blew us away. As they were setting up we predicted that they would be a fun band, oh they were and so much more. The lead singer had a lot of passion in his performance, and the keyboard player was fun and danced around (not to mention had a bit of a fro and funny glasses). Pretty impressive when you leave the show singing the words to a song you've heard just once : I am just a man, a man in a city, a city in a state, state in a country, country in a world, part of a system. Drivin through the city, stereo is on, people goin' everywhere, people getting nowhere, with the will to carry on : It had been quite awhile since I had gotten really excited after seeing a new band. That is one phenomenal feeling that one does not get often enough. Gratitude was also quite the experience. Inspirational to say the least, the songs as much as the words spoken between songs : This is not a competition. This is all of us here together : (I wish I could remember the things he said better).

Howard Zinn. This 83 year old man gave a very good lecture, a history lesson combined with political argument. :If all people in the world do something small, it will bring us together, and the world will change: Tons of people showed up but to my annoyance a lot of students were there for a class. Kids are very disrespectful I must say. They are told they have to go so they stay for awhile and then get up and leave right in the middle. That makes me so incredibly angry. Or the lady that didn't turn off her phone and ended up answering it while he was talking. I just cannot believe the lack of respect people have these days. It is quite sad what society has come to.

The Honorary Title. I went to this show alone, but it was amazing regardless. The only problem with going alone is that you tend to noticed how annoying the people around you are, or these ones were just really ridiculous. The bands that played with them were pretty good. Cruiserweight, featuring a female lead singer who liked to dance around, made me smile. Nightmare of You was pretty good. And I enjoyed Waking Ashland quite a lot especially the song Overjoyed. The Honorary Title was fantastic. Lots of emotion-filled songs and if nothing else the entire show would have been worthwhile just to see Everything I Once Had played live. Oh how I do love that song, the song that made me fall in love with them. The show went later than it should have and so I left during the last song to go to the Earthwords reading where there was tons of free Halloween candy. And some quality reading to go along with it.

The Date. An entire evening decided upon by me due to the fact that I cannot make decisions. Surprisingly enough this actually happened. (This ended up being a 48+ hour date). The evening began with me going to his room to get him. We hung out there awhile all dressed up which definitely makes the whole experience even more fun. We then made our way to go eat, but it was quite busy so we wasted time going to Sam Goody and then sitting outside freezing watching people and then some gypsies on a tight rope between trees while listening to the guy playing the flute. (this was also Halloween weekend so lots of cute little kids were walking through with their costumes on). We had dinner at ZMarik's where I forced him to share with me (I was making the decisions afterall). After dinner, we hurriedly walked back to the apartment (it was absolutely freezing that night). Came back and got some warmer clothes to go to the swings, but that ended up not working out since drunk idiots were around. Took a bit of adventure and made our way back. Talked with the drunk roommate about the evening. Baked some cookies, vegan cookies actually. While waiting for them to finish we danced around in the kitchen to Jack's Mannequin. (there is just not enough lame dancing in this world, but I think we are doing our best to more than make up for it). I guess after all the cookie eating sleeping must have occured. Got up the next morning. Some online checkers were played and then a trip to his room so he could shower while I watched Gilmore Girls (no TV here). Then I finally got to see Finding Neverland and enjoy the creatively made "couch". I would definitely recommend seeing that movie. I enjoyed it quite a lot. After the movie it was decided that we would venture to Gabe's to see The Rocket Summer. There is nothing better in this world that going to a show and dancing around like crazy. This was just a really fun show that we went to. I had wanted to see the Rocket Summer previously when they were in Iowa City, but things did not work out as planned. Came back to the apartment and ordered some pizza and watched A Cinderella Story because I am just that lame. Then more sleep. Plan to go to church with Mark in the morning, but as things go, he could not find the apartment again so we opted to go to the later church service that is not far from here. To our enjoyment there were free bagels and we ran into Alyssa's friend Amy. The message was a bit too long (an hour or so) but overall it was a good experience. Came back and finished the rest of the pizza from the night before. Attempted to watch Just Married for a little comdeic value, but the DVD would not work so we just listened to music instead. Made birthday cards/a welcome home card for Alyssa's return. Made some pasta and attmepted to wash dishes in the dish washer. A story was told of a bad dishwasher experience that involved soap everywhere, and to my luck... the same thing happened (it was everywhere).

Thursday the kid and I met up between classes to go to the 150th birthday party for the library. Where there were free cookies and pop. Ate a bunch of cookies/popcorn and waited for some pizza but since it was going to be awhile we walked around and went to Ragstock and looked at clothes. Found a treasure of a sweater amongst the prom dresses that the kid got. Went back to find there was only one piece of pizza left so we went and sat outside and I attempted homework. Had to go to class. Got out early and made it in time to have 5-6 pieces of pizza and take more cookies. Went to visit Alyssa and she ended up getting off work early so we went and sat at the library and attempted to study/write a paper. By 7 productivity had ceased so we left and walked out passed the glorious looking free food that was for a lecture there. Went to Taco Bell and Alyssa got some food. Decided it was too early to go to the show so we went back to heck out the free food. Got ourselves some cheesecake and then strawberries, cheese, cake, etc. Took our goodies and hid at the bottom of some stairs devouring it all. More food was stolen and then we left only to come back and get more bread to feed the ducks. We took quite a trek to find the ducks, but we finally did and it was completely worth it. There were soooo many ducks and it was so fun to feed them. Then The Famed with Ludo. Made it on time, actually quite early to this show. Sat and studied some Calculus at Gabe's for the test the next day. The first band played for what seemed like an eternity. Then The Famed played, and it was quite fantastic. They definitely have the extreme passion/emotion no matter what. After they were done and had put their stuff away we went and chatted with Matt at the merch table. Conversation ensued about the free food, Hy-Vee excursions, matching sweatshirts, his brothers, etc. One of the best conversations with him to date. He is definitely even more amazing that one could imagine. Then we had to leave so Alyssa could go collect money for Dance Marathon. I sat on a bench outside to study while the Bad Fathers played. (all the studying actually payed off) Went back inside to see Ludo play. They were fun as always and put on a good show. While standing there Matt came up behind me and was standing there in between songs he asked me if they could stay at our place for the night since they didn't have anywhere to go. And I said of course because well it would be nothing less than a dream come true to have them stay with us. Ludo finished up then we went and hung out in the back to wait for them to go. Talked with Matt/Bryan and then they continued with their buisness. Andrew started up a conversation with us. I ended up buying the CD and getting 2 posters and a free cd player (since I mentioned not being able to rock out to the cd on my way to class since my cd player sucks/I had no batteries). Got to ride in the van over to park near the apartment. Walked the seemingly long distance back. Came in and they checked out the ABJ wall/video. Took Bryan to Pita Pit at 3 in the morning. Hung out in my room while they were talking in the living room. Got up in the morning went to class came back and they were still hanging around. Got a hug from Bryan, and an attempt at one with a sleeping bag between from Matt. Drove the way to Gabe's so they knew where to go. Took a lovely trip to Hy-Vee and got some nice free samples including the cake/and joke from the old guy. Rushed to go to the Hawkeye Hometown Visit meeting where we got 14 free cookies. This was also the day of my Dad's birthday. I had a 20 minute conversation on the phone with him, definitely the longest I've talked to him since I've been here, and I must say I enjoyed it a lot. I really wish I could have been there or went to Ames with them to celebrate.

Rain. Saturday afternoon after watching the football game (unwillingly, but hey I got a free huge breakfast) we walked back to the apartment, and well lets just say it became a run because it was absolutely pouring out, and a trolly just happened to come by and splash huge amounts of water at us. Made a stop at Kum and Go to get some milk for hot chocolate and popcorn. Dried off and watched Batman Begins, I was definitely not a big fan but the popcorn was fabulous. Made tomato soup, listened to music, and had fun with crazy Brad before he went out. (doesn't sound all that exciting but it was quite a good time) Then it was art time. I finished my birthday cards while Alyssa did self-portraits and the kid made his own creations.

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5 weeks and counting... [20 Sep 2005|04:47pm]
[ mood | content ]

I must first state how much I dislike computers due to the fact that I lost an entirely amazing entry. Now that that is out of the way...

In the weeks that I've been here life has drastically changed, and I'd say in most cases for the better.

1. Education- Most professors genuinely care about the topics they are discussing. High school teachers do what they have to and try not to over-exert themselves and most do not have a passion for the subjects they are teaching. The feeling of being a classroom where the teacher is so intense you have no option but to want to be there and listen is a great thing. Granted, you are going to get yelled at if he catches you yawning, so its best if you look interested which should not be too diffcult given the circumstances. Lets just say that is also the class that out of the three tests I had last week, I definitely did far and beyond better on. I think the fact that I am a freshman in this professors class, which is very unheard of for the most part, makes me care even more about it. I've found there to be no problem with having large lectures as opposed to small class sizes that are provided at Tri-Center. It doesn't bother me at all that the professors don't know my name. The few that do is what worries me (one being because I accidentally missed the first day of class). Large lectures are fun because you can look at the tons of people in there and let's just say if you sit by a friend there is messing around that definitely happens in my case. side note: I can honestly wake up in the morning for the most part without an alarm, and way before I need to probably because I'm just excited to be here as lame as that may sound. 6 hours of sleep has become sufficient, and the fact that I wake up on my own is a miracle in itself, my mother used to have to yell at me multiple times every morning to get me to make my way out of bed.

2. Meeting new people- On a campus this size I was warned I would meet no one as a result of not living in the dorms. Let's just say that is completely untrue, it just takes a bit more effort and selection. There is no one you are forced to meet, like a new roommate and other people living on your floor. I am free to choose who I decide to go introduce myself to. It just so happens that the first day of class I met one of the people I have ended up spending the most time with. The fact that we are so much alike and that we happened to meet can only be explained by the phrase :everything happens for a reason: If that is not it, then I guess one must believe in random luck. In just a few weeks this kid has managed to become one of "us", which is a very hard thing for a person to do (and by "us" i mean comfortable and taking part in the jokes and fun Alyssa and I create for ourselves). One of the most rare qualities we share (among those on this campus) is that neither of us drink. As surprising as it may be my chem lab partner also happens to be a non-drinker. Though this school is known for its overwhelming population of drinkers, the opposite do exist, the only problem is they are sitting in their room on a Saturday night watching movies so that would be why everyone claims they don't exist.

3. Debating and discussing ideas/opinions- Last night was one of the first debates I've taken part in, and lets say that can be one of the most eye-opening experiences. Yes, I do come from a small town and may have lead a rather sheltered life, but I have also taken part in many different activities there and as many as possible since I've been here. I am more than willing to be proven wrong though, in fact, that's even better than being proven right in some cases. I learned also that there is a way of stating your opinion and one of attacking someone else's. Very important factor to keep in mind or else the person you are attacking is not going to take much of anything you say as valid points. Due to the fact that we do not have television (a TV that can play movies is all) we have had many discussions/hilarious moments. To me, it is a much better form of entertainment than any television show could provide. As often as possible, Alyssa and I tell our positives for the day, which is a great way to look back and reflect on your day and realize the wonderful things that happen in our lives that we would otherwise take for granted. Alyssa and I enjoy meaningful conversations that compare to no other, and yet many hilarious moments that usually result in pulling out the quote book.

4. People of the Past- Being here for even just a week was enough to realize the people that matter in life. There are just certain people that aren't worth the effort anymore. And there ones like Derrick that I left over a month ago and that was okay until I come to realize that today he is leaving and I won't be seeing him until Christmas. He seemed sad and I was already sad to begin with since his plans to come visit never worked out, but hearing him not excited was even worse. The other day my grandma also gave us a call. The weekly letters are fun, but it was great to hear from her. Just moments before the phone rang Alyssa and I had been discussing the wonderful cake she made before we left. (her cakes are more special than any other cake, and I do love cake). Note: if you are reading this you are obviously not part of the no longer worth the effort, and if I don't get to talk to us as much as one would like, I genuinely hope all is well with you and never hesitate to talk to me if need be.

5. Real-life Interactions- Being within 15-30 minutes walking distance from anyone just makes it seem ridiculous to sit around and talk on the phone or online to people when instead you can be hanging out with each other having a great time. Its much more fun to be less technologically dependent for contact (though one of the two devices is used to pick a time/location). There was a particular night before a chemistry test that there were plans to study. There was about an hour or two of studying that turned into three hours of just sitting on a bench talking about anything and everything. It seems my grade was probably not as wonderful as it could have been, and my tired/sickness did not improve, but it was more than worth it. Getting to know someone and having them share personal things with you is such a great experience.

6. Food- Apartment life calls for grocery shopping and making meals. Let's just say a quick meal at Hy-Vee is possible with all the free samples they had around the other day :D I am more healthy than I have ever been before due to our food selections and walking to class everyday. Free food is one of the most exciting aspects of campus life. The first week was definitely loaded with free food. Actual meals that the roommates and others enjoy together are more exciting than one could even imagine.

7. Apartment living- Yes, I am a spoiled freshman with my own room, but it is just a smart way to go. The cost is at least 200$ less by living in an apartment (with food included in the total). Boy roommate is a great idea for two girls. He's good for fixing things like the toilet and shower door. One night when he had said he'd be back and we should wait to eat with him, he called to let us know he wouldn't be back in time because he was going to eat with some friends. It was precious <3 (even though he'd stay out all night and not even consider calling). You can sit/lay on the same couch and no one has to give you funny looks for it. And just the numerous occassions where I laugh to the point of tears and any day that happens you KNOW its been a GREAT day.

Time to wrap this up with a song...

:All alone, I'm beat. So why can't I sleep? I had that dream again, you know the kind that change your mind about life, about love and about you too, not the band but the friend I know. You don't feel the same, the good ones never do... My roommate's a girl, she puts me through hell. When I tripped on love, she never fell:

Yes, that would be the lovely ABJ, who is having a reunion show this weekend, which makes my life entirely happy. What an amazing time that will be. The band that single-handedly is responsible for my surviving last year, as crazy as that sounds. They just so happen to have come around whenever I needed them the most <3 I carry around a picture of Matt and Bryan everyday now. Why you ask? Well, to have a constant reminder of :dreams really do come true: like Matt's shirt says to help motivate me to study and do well. Afterall, Bryan did get a degree and is one of the greatest people I think I've ever met.

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[07 Sep 2005|12:32am]
(old but something i wanted for myself documented don't read it... its not worth your time. it's part of the past and we have moved on)

There are 8 days left of school. Nearing the end it seems the time to look back and reflect on the final year at the place I’ve known for the past 13 years. The year that couldn’t come soon enough (or end soon enough for that matter). I recall the first day of school this year. As previous years, there are class meetings for whatever reason. Mr. Elliot was in charge of ours, and he said something along the lines of “this year is going to fly by. It’ll be over before you know it.” To him it seemed some secret he was letting us all in on, and that’s probably why I remember laughing at him for it. So often you hear how the time goes by so quickly and that causes people to be sad about it being over. I really do not think I have felt that in any way. Typically, senior year seems to be the one that is super fun because it is the last year and you do your best to enjoy the time left with the people you’ve known forever. Somehow, in someway I did not have that experience at all

The last year was definitely one of the most difficult/challenging years I have faced thus far. Academically and otherwise. It seems this year was the end of many important things in my life. To start of the year, my grandma died. From that point on came the downward spiral of events. The band that kept me sane over the course of the year, decided it was time to move forward in their careers and go their separate ways. (at the time it was not known that there would be two new bands as a result, but neither could ever be the same) Another band that ultimately had a HUGE influence on my life decided they would go on an indefinite hiatus. Denny’s cancer returned, causing him to retire from being a pastor. The man that was there throughout my entire 4 years of high school. He had a big impact on my life, and feelings about church. There is none like him, he made us laugh and wasn’t afraid to cry in front of the congregation. He was real and he cared about people and he did more than anyone could ever ask for. My grandpa went to the hospital for pneumonia, little did we know that he wouldn’t be coming back home. Since then he has been in the nursing home, which is one of the most depressing places in the world. As a result of this, I have tried to go see him one day a week, and go to see my grandma another. My grandma had a detached retina which she had surgery on. She couldn’t see for months, and following surgery she had to have eye drops put in, which required either my dad or I to go down and help her 4 times a day. That eventually healed, but her hearing in one ear is gone because of the laser they used for eye surgery. Around the time all that went on, our aunt in California’s house was close to being ruined by a mudslide. That whole situation has yet to be completely over with. As a result of my grandma’s death, my mother went temporarily insane and caused home life to be a hell which we never thought we could escape.
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Leaving... [05 Sep 2005|02:14am]
[ mood | good ]

Somehow I have been here for 2 weeks. Where is here you ask? Well the place that has been an ever present goal in my life that seemed untouchable and somehow now feels like a vacation from real life. I have become completely disconnected from the world I suppose. This place is a dream that is just waiting to be interrupted by conciousness. I have yet to fully realize what was left behind. My family, my dad and brother, whom I became incredibly close with in the last year. I really hope life is better for them this year too. I wish I could be there for everything that's going on in Austin's life because it's that critical point... junior high. I must now just hope that I did the absolute best I could in the time we were living in the same house because conversation is hard over the phone. We just aren't big talkers so the phone is not the best thing for us to stay connected. Plus there is nothing like seeing your little brother off to things like junior high dances and giving him an incredibly hard time when he comes back afterwards or forcing his friends to listen to the music you like when you give them a ride and having him defend it for your sake. My grandma is now alone for the first time in 60 years. The thought of that is worst of all. Visiting her every day for the entire summer and staying usually around 3-4 hours is a hard thing to be okay with not doing anymore. We get to write letters to each other, but I miss seeing her and in the last few hang outs I really just was myself and she liked it that I was sooo talkative, even though she gave me a hard time for it. And of course, Nick Arrojo. I miss our weekly fun and talking to him everyday about our lives, but now mine is so drastically different that it's not quite the same. I always felt the 20 minute drive to Minden was too much to come visit me, but now its a 3 hour drive... I couldn't possibly request such a thing of someone. My city kid, oh how i miss him. Home definitely had some great memories, but then again my actual home has some pretty horrible ones that I had no problems leaving behind. It's the people not the place I suppose.

I wish I could explain the feelings I have towards the place I come from. Being there is a curse and a blessing all at once. Growing up in a small town made me a much more creative person than a city ever could have allowed me to be. I am enternally greatful for that. I love the physical location of our house. Its close enough we can walk anywhere easily, but our enormous yard allows it to feel more like its own little world out in the country. A place to look at the stars without the distractions of city lights. I came to fully embrace and love the place I've come from, as one must do because it's definitely a part of who I am. Small towns are a curse in the sense that it makes you feel as if you will never escape it. The small town mindset and the hell of that existance.

Music made me very sentimental about this subject. I'm glad that music is always there to remind me of the things that need to not be forgotten. Just know that everything is going well and I will write about being here someday. So much having been experienced and so much more to learn.

"Can we stay the same if I move half the world away? We'll float off through the night and hope to meet somewhere in between. And the sunshine will give every story a bright side. Another happy ending on the west coast. You'll never need a raincoat. Dreaming's what we're doing out here. Will the stars shine the same on your side half a world away?.... Every story has an end, but I prefer to begin again. Just like a book I've never read. I prefer to begin again."

And the song that embodies everything I feel about a small town and living there..... (the rocket summer- brat pack)
"For about four years I've hated this town so much I just wanna get out. Since graduation was long ago, please somebody get me out of this hole. Cause I don't want to get stuck in here when I am 34 just talking about high school years. No I don't wanna be there. and I feel so stuck right here... Cause this ain't where it's at and my friend will second that."

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Wonders of Youth. [20 Jul 2005|11:46am]
[ mood | creative ]

There is this fine line between immaturity and youth. It gets confused and maybe I'm wrong, but here's my opinion. This subject came up in a conversation I had not long ago, but the events of this morning really put it into perspective. As far as I knew today was supposed to be 100 degrees out and no rain. To my surprise, my brother tells me to come outside where he's been sitting on the porch reading and watching it rain. I was not about to let such a wonderful opportunity go to waste so I run around, dance, sing, and play in the puddles. I try to convince my brother of the fun he is missing out on, but he didn't want to join in because he had already showered for the day. The excuses one makes to act grown up. I'm sure at 13 we all want to prove how grown up we are and for many lose our youth. We have our entire lives to be grown up, old and bitter. Why be in such a rush to hate life?

So this entire summer, possibly one of my last here at home, I've been trying to show this kid the best sides of life. With plenty of skepticism and hesitation, he is finally starting to reluctantly join in. Watching someone else have all the fun while you sit there thinking about it is not the ideal way of doing things. For a kid who has had to act way beyond his years for months at a time I just feel its important for both of us to just take a step back, forget how old we are supposed to act and enjoy doing the simplest of things. I personally do not think that doing little kid activities makes a person in any way immature. Coloring in coloring books, swinging in the park, playing in the rain, watching the Wizard of Oz... those are all activities I have enjoyed this summer and can remember much more fondly than the moments I had to show my maturity. After a year that really tested me and should have made me a hard, bitter person I have taken these small steps in making sure that is not who I become anytime soon. I also like to pretend, which is very looked down upon by anyone trying to act mature, but with pretending comes imagination and creativity which is essential for some moments of happiness, laughter and pure joy. These things I do, yes, I've been told to grow up and not be so immature but I don't see it that way at all. Sitting around complaining about the things life has handed me and feeling sorry for myself is what I see as being immature. Sometimes we just have to let go. I believe we should just enjoy life while we still can, and in whatever way we can. Maybe doing little kid things is not for you, that's fine as long as there is something that let's you forget for a second how old you are and how much life can suck.

But if you didn't know how old you were, how old would you be? I still pick five. The days when I knew who my best friend was because she shared Barbies with me and watched Bozo the Clown every morning with me and when I thought my parents were these amazing people with no major flaws, and the days when you could do anything and had the possibility to be anything you could imagine. Why not be five again?




I want to share this poem that basically is my take on life...

If I had my life to live over I'd try to make more mistakes next time.
I would relax. I would limber up. I'd be sillier than I have been on this trip.
I know of a very few things I would take seriously.
I would be less hygenic . I would take more chances. I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.
I would burn more gasoline and eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would have actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
You see I'm one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments , and if i had my life to live over I'd have more of them, in fact I'd have nothing else just moments one after another instead of living so many years ahead each day.
I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, hot water bottle, rain coat and parachute.
If i had my life to live over I'd go places and do things and travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
I would play hooky more. I wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident.
I'd ride more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.

NADINE STAIR, age 85

2 songs today because I couldn't decide which fit better. one about making the most of the time we have or one that has been sung during the many swing adventures and has been an escape for me this year.

: I never tried to make the best of my time when I thought I had plenty of it. 'Is this serious. I don't konw what to think. Is it all a lie?' Well one things for sure. I'm taken back to the glory days when were kids without a brash or bitter thing to say... So take a chance and make it big cause its the last you'll ever get : The Academy Is

: I know a shortcut along the stonewall where evergreen soldiers point their branches for a child-like mind, like yours and mine to follow : Jupiter Sunrise

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[15 Jul 2005|10:43pm]
Where has everyone been for weeks and maybe even months? I think I've been pretty lost lately. I've just spent so many countless hours... alone. I hardly see the people I live with, let alone outside life. I miss getting to be around people and enjoying simple interactions. Sitting here right now, I'm just a little sad. Yes, I am being pathetic, but we all have our days. I'd say I would fix it, but am lacking the energy to do so right now.

:So I'll say what I should and hope you believe it, but it never gets easier:
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In Loving Memory of Grandpa Beebe [06 Jul 2005|12:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Don't feel obligated to read any of this. I just need documenation of these events for my own sake and sanity.

Two weeks ago today (June 22) my grandpa died. We'll go back a week or so to Friday, the last day I saw him. His birthday was that Saturday and Father's Day would be on Sunday. I went to the nursing home, much like any other week, but our aunt had come in for the said events. In the many weeks previous, the decline in his health was apparent and visits became harder and harder due to the fact that he didn't and practically couldn't talk. That night after the visit, the one in which my aunt continually talked to him and mentioned she was back to see him and so on, I realized things were not good and I will admit to crying more than I'd even like to remember.

The week continued on. Wednesday night, like every night this summer, I went down to visit my grandma. She said his vital signs were good and everything. The hospice lady had come that day and made sure they started taking better care of him because it seems nursing homes do not do the greatest job (especially when it comes to the ones that are near death from what I've seen). Finally, after getting the attention he needed so much, that was it. The call came later that evening and my grandma tried to reach my dad with the news, but you see Wednesday is basketball night so he's hard to find. I could tell that it was the call we were all too sure was going to come, but never hoped it would. No matter how much preparing you do for that call, it will always come as a shock. When my dad told me, I didn't cry. The Beebe side of the family would never show emotion. My grandpa was born during WWI, and as you can imagine, experienced many rough times throughout his life. The Depression and fighting in WWII and many other events I'm probably not even aware of.

Somehow after 2 previous deaths I expereinced, I guess I didn't think I'd take this one as hard as I did (and wouldn't continue to think and ponder over). Taking the time to look back, I see so much of myself in him. One of the most apparent traits that we share, is the ability to eat more than the rest of our family at dinner yet look like we haven't been fed properly. He worked very hard throughout his life, and though this summer would not prove it, when I am working at something I try my best. When it comes to money, I definitely take after him. Some might call it cheap, but I think he'd prefer it as sensible. Only spending on what you need and not just wasting it on any and every thing imaginable. My dad grew up living in a family that spent money so carefully you'd think they didn't have any, when the truth is they had more than I even know of. My grandpa also loved to read, something that in more recent years I've come to enjoy also. I think its from my grandpa that our love for each other is shown. Its something our family never says or really shows with hugs and all that. These little things that would mean absolutely nothing to most, are the things that have come to symbolize the love we cannot (do not) express for one another.

Though my grandpa did not want a funeral service, my grandma insisted on one (though she had never really gone to anyone's- thats a whole different story). Funerals are more for the living than the dead, and I know personally that it is the time when I really think about the person and if I haven't yet, the loss is finally realized in my mind. Our immediate family went out to the cemetary (my grandpa and granda both have decided they want to be cremated... so I had no idea what to expect from such things). It was just short and then off to the church where we stood for what seemed an eternity while a line all the way out the door continued to proceed in. Over 100 people at an 88 year old man's funeral. The thought of that is more than I can even take in. I know, it doesn't matter how many people come, but it's nice to see him remembered so well. It was a very nice service, but the most emotional for me was when a few family/friends came up and said a (not so)few words about him. My grandpa was a painter and the church needed repainting. So he volunteered to help with many others. They worked all day and would continually ask him "Verne, what do you think?" Finally, one last time they asked what he thought, and his response "Let's let God be the judge of that." Lynn, our retired pastor's wife, read what Denny had wrote since his battle with cancer kept him from being able to attend. It was made known to us that we weren't the only ones who really wanted him there. Denny talked about painters and things of that sort. Then he shared a story about a lunch he and my grandpa shared after another's funeral. Denny, by choice, went and sat with him in hopes of a good conversation. "You really give them a nice send-off." "Well wouldn't you do the same?" "Yes, I guess I would and I hope you are around to send me off." To this very day that bring me to tears. Lynn struggled to say it, and her reaction alone could have made me cry, but little did I know the words to come would be what they were. I thought that was the going to be the hardest part to handle, let's just say I was very wrong. As the service came to a close, a few Legion memembers got up and said a few words. Then one gave the flag to my grandma and said "On behalf of the Government of the United States of America and the American Legion Auxilary I present you with this flag ankljasf" My grandma then stood up and turned around and said "I want you to have this in rememberance of your grandfather" and gave it to my brother. Let's just say the non-emotional father I have broke into tears during this time. Then that was it.

In the days since, I've spent many hours with my grandma. We had what she called a "drinking party" with our 7-ups, pulled weeds, wrote thank you notes (over 150 cards were sent to her), and just sat and watched tv together. "He was an easy guy to live with. You don't find too many like that anymore." For the first time ever she admitted "I miss him, I mean I miss him a lot but I've been living here on my own for 6 months now. It was for the best since he was suffering." (just quotes I wanted to remember). Oh yeah, and he won the best beard award for some centennial thing in Minden. that made me laugh.

And the poem inside called The Clock of Life:

The Clock of life is wound but once
And no man hath the power,
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own;
Live, love, toil with a will
Place no faith in tomorrow, for
The clock may then be still.

Even if we never said it... I Love you Grandpa and miss you more than you probably know. Even if its for the best, its hard to let go.

:So what would you think fo me now. So lucky, so stong, so proud? I never said thank you for that, now I'll never have a chance. May angels lead you in:

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please don't break me [12 Apr 2005|08:27pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Did you ever realize the similarities in a broken crayon and a broken <3 ??

I am guessing no one else has thought up such a ridiculous thing, but please allow me to explain. (Maybe the crayon element only applies to me, but hear me out)

So you are coloring and it is going great, you are totally enjoying yourself and the moment. Then out of nowhere the crayon breaks in two pieces, the disappointment of it all. The crayon just does not seem to work as well with only one half. It doesn't fit properly in your hand like it previously did. As hard as you try, it is going to let you down. The picture doesn't look as good all because of that crayon :(

So you are in love and enjoying yourself and enjoying the moment. Out of nowhere, it comes to "I think we should break up", your <3 is broken in two pieces. You cannot function the same as you had, because you were so happy and in love, one part of a compelete whole. No matter what, the two can never be the same. As much as you would like it to be the same, it never can and will ultimately let you down. You no longer see life from the same point of view, you see it as a depressing and lonely place now.

(you are thinking wow, where does she come up with this because she is crazy. but at the same time you are amazed at the similarity, but we are not done yet...)

So as disapointing as the crayon breaking was, eventually you can find a new one, or get used to the half that's left. The picture doesn't look any less wonderful because of it either.

As disappointing as the heart break was, eventually you move on and find a new love, or get used to being alone and enjoy it. The world doesn't seem so bad, it still has moments like coloring with crayons to make you :D After you've gotten over the loss, you are still an amazing person, but now armed with great knowledge of yourself and relationships.

: this is a hing that you take and you pull and you find a way to get out of what you got yourself into :

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